Contemporary Retirement Coaching Blog

How to say goodbye when someone you love is dying

You'll need to keep the Kleenex handy for this one - How To Say Goodbye When Someone You Love Is Dying from Paula Spencer for msn.com.

Don't forget to take time off from your relationship if you want it to thrive in retirement

Do you worry about you and your partner getting under each others' feet once you both retire?

Gay Hendricks is a psychologist, writer and practitioner in the field of personal growth and relationships and is best known for his work in relationship enhancement. In his latest book, The Big Leap, he advises:

'Make sure you take plenty of time for yourself, in a space apart from your partner.  It could even be in the next room, so long as the intention is to nurture the independent part of you.  Human beings have twin drives of equal power: the urge to merge and the urge to be an autonomous person.  For a relationship to thrive, both drives need to be celebrated.

If you can learn to take time off from the relationship consciously, you won't need to do it unconsciously by starting arguments and engaging in other intimacy-destroying moves.'

Grown kids return to the nest - and regress...

The recession has, apparently, been sending grown-up kids back to live with mum and dad in droves. And, as you might imagine, things don't always go too smoothly, with parents resorting to yelling at their kids to clean their rooms and turn the noise down and adult children reverting to throwing tantrums and neglecting their responsibilities.  Get the full story here.

Across a crowded room...

Author Juliet Nicolson was 'single, celibate and (in many ways) happy' for 20 years following the break-up of her 18-year marriage.  During that time she harboured a 'paralysing lack of confidence, and belief that I could never be pretty enough/ funny enough/ loveable enough to make any man commit himself to me above any other person in the world'. 

And then, one evening, in a bid to silence the friends who were urging her to get out more, she went to a party...

Find out what happened here.  It's a nice story.

Top traits that really turn us off

I've just been over to visit with my Blogging Boomer friends at LifeTwo and couldn't help laughing when I spotted these two little gems:

Top men’s traits and behaviors that turn off women

Top women’s traits that turn off men

I'm not a man, so obviously I can only comment on the traits and behaviours that turn off women, but I'd say they've got it pretty spot on!

Two Cook For Two for Valentines

Sam and Chris, the cooks at Two Cook For Two hinted that they might be bringing out some extra recipes for a Valentine's Day update... and they have!  Here's what they say:

'As Valentine's Day is almost here, we couldn't resist an update!!  We've written some extra recipes that will make a special evening pass without fuss or stress. Starters that can be prepared in advance, main courses that are simple and stylish, desserts that are deliciously wicked!!'

Take your pick, mix and match.

Go on, visit the link below and get your extra goodies:

http://www.TwoCookForTwo.com/updates.php

Two for tea

You can't have missed the fact that Valentine's day is just around the corner.

Now I know it's a bit corny and it certainly is over-commercialised but, it's still a special time for couples.  Whether you're just starting out (again) or a comfortable couple, there's still an opportunity to make things special.

Are you going out for dinner?  You'd better reserve a table today if you haven't already!

You might prefer to cook a meal in - it will certainly save you money and can be much more fun.  The money you save on expensive restaurant bills you can spend on some flowers and, at home, you can create that special atmosphere - no pressure, no stress, just a comfortable and romantic evening together.

To help you out there's a fresh idea from the Two Cook For Two team at http://www.TwoCookForTwo.com.  And, even better, it's completely FREE at the moment...

This is a new book full of easy recipes designed to be cooked and eaten by a couple. I particularly liked the sound of the coriander and lime salmon - a quick, easy and healthy recipe that's got to be good for you. I can't say the same for the chocolate mousse recipe! I'm looking forward to trying them both.

There's a rumour that they're bringing out some extra recipes for a Valentine's day update so keep watching!!

The most important thing about Valentines weekend is to chill and take it in your stride. Too many couples suffer when there's such pressure to be that perfect romantic. Remember - if they want to be with you the other 51 weekends of the year, they'll still enjoy your company on Valentine's day. Just add in a bunch of flowers and maybe a candle or two over dinner to make it special.

And as for dinner - anything that get's us both in the kitchen cooking together without fighting over the chopping boards has got to be worth a try.

Adult children moving back home?

Are you feeling like a fully-paid-up member of the sandwich generation?  Taking care of parents/other older relatives and still providing financial and emotional first aid to your offspring? 

If the economic downturn has sent your chicks heading back to the nest, here's a website that could help you ensure that your boomerang offspring don't derail your plans for the future or jeopardize your retirement fund...  www.BoomerangKidsHelp.com

The ABCs of Successful Relationships by Michelle Vasquez

Appreciation and acceptance. Many people need appreciation more than they need love. Accepting your partner and letting go of the need to fix him/her is a sign of maturity and will help you live a more peaceful life.

Benevolence. See your partner with loving eyes. Remember, daily, why you chose to be together.

Commitment. Without commitment, you don't have a relationship. Commitment is the glue that holds the relationship together. When you're committed, you're saying, "I'll do whatever it takes to make my relationship work."

Drop defenses. When you defend yourself, you are looking at your partner as if he or she were your enemy. Seek first to understand instead of raising your shields.

Encouragement. Invest in your relationship by being generous with your words of encouragement.

Forgiveness. We all make mistakes. Choose to be the first to forgive and you'll find that you're forgiven quickly when you mess up.

Gratitude. Choose to find reasons to be grateful for your relationship. Start a gratitude journal and list three things you're grateful for every day. You'll be pleasantly surprised at the results.

Honesty. Brutal honesty and "constructive criticism" have no place in a successful relationship. Tactfully expressing your thoughts and feelings creates a safe place for your relationship to grow. This is the kind of honesty that nourishes relationships.

Interdependence. This is a balance between the extremes of codependency and extreme independence. People in successful relationships know they can depend on each other while still having the freedom to learn and grow in their own interests. They are secure with themselves and in their relationship.

Joy. Express your excitement to each other when you have successes. Find reasons to be joyful. Watch silly comedies if you can't find a reason to laugh. Laughter is a crucial element in successful relationships.

Kindness. Practice random acts of kindness in your relationship. Think "simple and small." It will be noticed and appreciated.

Loyalty. Be respectful of your partner's privacy. If you speak about your partner to others, make sure you say kind things about her or him. Remember that if you gain sympathy from friends and family by telling them how bad your partner is, they may also resent your partner (and you) when you resolve the conflict. Talk to a professional instead – whether it be a relationship coach, a marriage counselor, a pastor or a priest.

Maturity. Maturity means you can choose whether to engage in an argument. You can step back and assess a situation without jumping to conclusions. You're ready to listen to your partner. You avoid mind-reading, and instead, you seek to understand.

Negotiate differences. When you have the inevitable conflicts, you look for solutions and stay away from blame. Blame makes you the victim and keeps you from taking responsibility. It stunts your personal growth.

Open to new ideas. You choose to live an aware life on a path of growth. You realize that your relationship needs nurturing to grow.

Pay attention. You'll know your partner's likes and dislikes if you simply pay attention. Be aware of your partner's successes and failures. Share in the joy and be attentive to their pain.

Quiet time together. Quality time together doesn't always mean "talk time." Watch a movie, read a book, or simply be in the same room together. These are simple ways to spend quiet time together.

Respect. The old adage "give respect to get respect" is really important in your relationship. If you belittle and criticize your partner, and then complain that she or he doesn't respect you, you're expecting your partner to change first. That rarely works. What else can you do?

Strong support system. You need support to keep your relationship viable. If it takes a whole village to raise a child, it takes a whole village to help a relationship thrive. Surround yourself with people who want your relationship to succeed.

Trust. Decide to give your partner your trust. In return, be trustworthy.

Unselfish attitude. When relationships go sour, somebody got selfish. Examine your behavior. Do you always want things your way? Do you think of yourself first?

Volunteer. Unless your relationship began with a shotgun (shotgun wedding), you volunteered to be here. Nobody forced you to be in this relationship. When you volunteer to do something, you commit to being there and doing what it takes to get the job done.

Warmth. Too many times when people argue, they punish each other with cold, silent withdrawal. Keep in mind that you can take time apart to think over your differences without resorting to a week of silent treatment. Create a new strategy for conflict. Agree to take a break to cool off and work on finding a solution.

Xenial attitude. The word "xenial" relates to being kind to strangers. If you treat your partner the way you would treat a stranger, with politeness and courtesy, you will avoid the trap of that old Mills Brothers' song, "You always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn't hurt at all."

Yield. This doesn't mean you just have to "just take it" when you're in a conflict. The ability to yield demands a high level of maturity and self-confidence. You can stop a fight by simply yielding. It doesn't mean you think you're wrong; it can mean you would rather "win" the relationship than win the argument.

Zeal and zest. Be passionate about your relationship. Celebrate your successes together. Take time to remember why you fell in love with each other.

Copyright © 2009 by Michelle Vasquez. All rights reserved in all media.

Michelle E. Vásquez, MS, LPC, is an RCI Relationship Coach who helps singles and couples attract the life they want and create the relationships that bring them joy. She specializes in working with couples who are experiencing relationship difficulties as well as with singles who want to find the love of their life. www.MichelleVasquez.com. 714.717.5744

Money CAN buy you happiness (if you know the right way to spend it)

Although we've always been told that money can't buy you happiness, an increasing number of studies show that, if you know the right way to spend it, money may be able to buy you happiness after all...

However, as you'll see in this article from Superliving.com, this doesn't involve using money to buy more 'stuff' but, instead, using it to 'facilitate those parts of life most likely to promote happiness' (such as paying someone else to do the jobs that cause conflict between you and your partner, or paying off or reducing debts to help you sleep easier at night).