Couples talking retirement

Couples aren't talking to each other about retirement

It's official...  Couples just aren't talking to each other about their wants, needs, hopes, fears and dreams for the second half of their lives.

A recent survey of 502 married couples approaching retirement uncovered the fact that wives and husbands often had different understandings of their plans and preparations for life after the office, shop, or factory:

• 61% disagreed on which income source (workplace savings, pensions, Social Security, etc.) would be their primary source of funds in retirement.

• 58% disagreed about whom their spouse would turn to for financial guidance in the event of the other spouse's death.

• 41% disagreed about whether at least one partner would work in retirement.

• 39% differed on the amount of their life-insurance coverage.

Note: Spouses were questioned individually. On average, surveyed couples had been married 24 years and were nine years away from their expected retirement. Husbands were 54 years old, on average; wives were 53.

Source: Fidelity Investments

The failure to develop a clear understanding of your own retirement expectations, the expectations of your spouse or partner, and how to blend the two together can be a recipe for retirement disaster...

The London Retirement Show 2010

Pre-registration for the London Retirement Show, which will take place on Friday 16 and Saturday 17 July at Olympia, has opened in the last few days.

When you pre-register, you can gain half-price entry into the show (for £5 rather than the normal £10), and you will receive a free show guide magazine (which would normally cost £2). Entry is free after 3pm each day (but this, too, requires on-site registration).

Features of the show include perennial favourites like the fashion shows, cookery demonstrations and have-a-go dancing and, this year, the organisers have arranged to have a super-safe climbing wall at the show, for more adventurous visitors to try.

In addition to the climbing wall, other new features will include a Motor Zone featuring both classic and modern cars, a Travel Theatre, a DIY Advice Depot for visitors to get advice on their do-it-yourself tasks, and a prize quiz at the end of each day. These new features will run alongside other show favourites, including the free health checks, a major park and holiday home area, have-a-go t'ai chi and yoga, an arts and crafts area and the gardener's question panel.

You can pre-register at http://www.the-retirement-show.com/london/london.htm and receive vouchers in the post that allow you half-price entry.

What will you do all day when you retire?

Sometimes, when people ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm a retirement coach and trainer, they'll say, 'Oh, I'm never going to need your services - I know exactly what I'm going to do when I retire... I'm going to spend all my time gardening' (or playing golf or __________ (you fill in the blank)).  And when they do, I immediately think of the following quote by Dr Richard Johnson:

‘When hobbies become your full-time endeavour, then your hobby becomes your work; it ceases to be your hobby.  When this happens, the power of the hobby to provide rejuvenation, stimulation and enrichment is lost.  The paradox of hobbies is that in order to enjoy hobbies you must have some type of work in your life, some type of activity from which hobbies can be a diversion.’

So, my questions for you today are:

How much do you agree with the above quotation?

Have you seen this happen to other retirees?

How many people do you know who have retired to a life that revolves around their hobbies and then,  a few months later, got themselves another job because their hobbies weren’t  ‘enough’?

Could you see this happening to you?  And if so, what are you going to do about it?

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For over 500 questions designed to help you get the happy, healthy, vital, productive, energetic, prosperous and fulfilling retirement you deserve, buy my new, immediately downloadable book: Thought Provokers: Questions You Need To Ask Yourself BEFORE You Retire.

Don't forget to take time off from your relationship if you want it to thrive in retirement

Do you worry about you and your partner getting under each others' feet once you both retire?

Gay Hendricks is a psychologist, writer and practitioner in the field of personal growth and relationships and is best known for his work in relationship enhancement. In his latest book, The Big Leap, he advises:

'Make sure you take plenty of time for yourself, in a space apart from your partner.  It could even be in the next room, so long as the intention is to nurture the independent part of you.  Human beings have twin drives of equal power: the urge to merge and the urge to be an autonomous person.  For a relationship to thrive, both drives need to be celebrated.

If you can learn to take time off from the relationship consciously, you won't need to do it unconsciously by starting arguments and engaging in other intimacy-destroying moves.'

Top traits that really turn us off

I've just been over to visit with my Blogging Boomer friends at LifeTwo and couldn't help laughing when I spotted these two little gems:

Top men’s traits and behaviors that turn off women

Top women’s traits that turn off men

I'm not a man, so obviously I can only comment on the traits and behaviours that turn off women, but I'd say they've got it pretty spot on!

Great Quotes - On having dreams

Last year I spoke on board a cruise ship.  The average age of the passengers was well over 65.  I would split the people I met into two categories, those with and without dreams.  The ones who had dreams and hopes for their golden years or for their children and grandchildren were filled with life and energy.  Those who thought they were too old to have dreams were a little like the walking dead.  The difference was astounding. 

Marcia Weider

Tea for two

You can't have missed the fact that Valentine's day is just around the corner.

Now I know it's a bit corny and it certainly is over-commercialised but, it's still a special time for couples.  Whether you're just starting out (again) or a comfortable couple, there's still an opportunity to make things special.

Are you going out for dinner?  You'd better reserve a table today if you haven't already!

You might prefer to cook a meal in - it will certainly save you money and can be much more fun.  The money you save on expensive restaurant bills you can spend on some flowers and, at home, you can create that special atmosphere - no pressure, no stress, just a comfortable and romantic evening together.

To help you out there's a fresh idea from the Two Cook For Two team at http://www.TwoCookForTwo.com.  And, even better, it's completely FREE at the moment...

This is a new book full of easy recipes designed to be cooked and eaten by a couple.  I particularly liked the sound of the coriander and lime salmon - a quick, easy and healthy recipe that's got to be good for you. I can't say the same for the chocolate mousse recipe! I'm looking forward to trying them both.

There's a rumour that they're bringing out some extra recipes for a Valentine's day updates so keep watching!!

The most important thing about Valentines weekend is to chill and take it in your stride. Too many couples suffer when there's such pressure to be that perfect romantic. Remember - if they want to be with you the other 51 weekends of the year, they'll still enjoy your company on Valentine's day. Just add in a bunch of flowers and maybe a candle or two over dinner to make it special.

And as for dinner - anything that get's us both in the kitchen cooking together without fighting over the chopping boards has got to be worth a try.

Adult children moving back home?

Are you feeling like a fully-paid-up member of the sandwich generation?  Taking care of parents/other older relatives and still providing financial and emotional first aid to your offspring? 

If the economic downturn has sent your chicks heading back to the nest, here's a website that could help you ensure that your boomerang offspring don't derail your plans for the future or jeopardize your retirement fund...  www.BoomerangKidsHelp.com

The ABCs of Successful Relationships by Michelle Vasquez

Appreciation and acceptance. Many people need appreciation more than they need love. Accepting your partner and letting go of the need to fix him/her is a sign of maturity and will help you live a more peaceful life.

Benevolence. See your partner with loving eyes. Remember, daily, why you chose to be together.

Commitment. Without commitment, you don't have a relationship. Commitment is the glue that holds the relationship together. When you're committed, you're saying, "I'll do whatever it takes to make my relationship work."

Drop defenses. When you defend yourself, you are looking at your partner as if he or she were your enemy. Seek first to understand instead of raising your shields.

Encouragement. Invest in your relationship by being generous with your words of encouragement.

Forgiveness. We all make mistakes. Choose to be the first to forgive and you'll find that you're forgiven quickly when you mess up.

Gratitude. Choose to find reasons to be grateful for your relationship. Start a gratitude journal and list three things you're grateful for every day. You'll be pleasantly surprised at the results.

Honesty. Brutal honesty and "constructive criticism" have no place in a successful relationship. Tactfully expressing your thoughts and feelings creates a safe place for your relationship to grow. This is the kind of honesty that nourishes relationships.

Interdependence. This is a balance between the extremes of codependency and extreme independence. People in successful relationships know they can depend on each other while still having the freedom to learn and grow in their own interests. They are secure with themselves and in their relationship.

Joy. Express your excitement to each other when you have successes. Find reasons to be joyful. Watch silly comedies if you can't find a reason to laugh. Laughter is a crucial element in successful relationships.

Kindness. Practice random acts of kindness in your relationship. Think "simple and small." It will be noticed and appreciated.

Loyalty. Be respectful of your partner's privacy. If you speak about your partner to others, make sure you say kind things about her or him. Remember that if you gain sympathy from friends and family by telling them how bad your partner is, they may also resent your partner (and you) when you resolve the conflict. Talk to a professional instead – whether it be a relationship coach, a marriage counselor, a pastor or a priest.

Maturity. Maturity means you can choose whether to engage in an argument. You can step back and assess a situation without jumping to conclusions. You're ready to listen to your partner. You avoid mind-reading, and instead, you seek to understand.

Negotiate differences. When you have the inevitable conflicts, you look for solutions and stay away from blame. Blame makes you the victim and keeps you from taking responsibility. It stunts your personal growth.

Open to new ideas. You choose to live an aware life on a path of growth. You realize that your relationship needs nurturing to grow.

Pay attention. You'll know your partner's likes and dislikes if you simply pay attention. Be aware of your partner's successes and failures. Share in the joy and be attentive to their pain.

Quiet time together. Quality time together doesn't always mean "talk time." Watch a movie, read a book, or simply be in the same room together. These are simple ways to spend quiet time together.

Respect. The old adage "give respect to get respect" is really important in your relationship. If you belittle and criticize your partner, and then complain that she or he doesn't respect you, you're expecting your partner to change first. That rarely works. What else can you do?

Strong support system. You need support to keep your relationship viable. If it takes a whole village to raise a child, it takes a whole village to help a relationship thrive. Surround yourself with people who want your relationship to succeed.

Trust. Decide to give your partner your trust. In return, be trustworthy.

Unselfish attitude. When relationships go sour, somebody got selfish. Examine your behavior. Do you always want things your way? Do you think of yourself first?

Volunteer. Unless your relationship began with a shotgun (shotgun wedding), you volunteered to be here. Nobody forced you to be in this relationship. When you volunteer to do something, you commit to being there and doing what it takes to get the job done.

Warmth. Too many times when people argue, they punish each other with cold, silent withdrawal. Keep in mind that you can take time apart to think over your differences without resorting to a week of silent treatment. Create a new strategy for conflict. Agree to take a break to cool off and work on finding a solution.

Xenial attitude. The word "xenial" relates to being kind to strangers. If you treat your partner the way you would treat a stranger, with politeness and courtesy, you will avoid the trap of that old Mills Brothers' song, "You always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn't hurt at all."

Yield. This doesn't mean you just have to "just take it" when you're in a conflict. The ability to yield demands a high level of maturity and self-confidence. You can stop a fight by simply yielding. It doesn't mean you think you're wrong; it can mean you would rather "win" the relationship than win the argument.

Zeal and zest. Be passionate about your relationship. Celebrate your successes together. Take time to remember why you fell in love with each other.

Copyright © 2009 by Michelle Vasquez. All rights reserved in all media.

Michelle E. Vásquez, MS, LPC, is an RCI Relationship Coach who helps singles and couples attract the life they want and create the relationships that bring them joy. She specializes in working with couples who are experiencing relationship difficulties as well as with singles who want to find the love of their life. www.MichelleVasquez.com. 714.717.5744

10 most important questions you and your partner should ask each other about retirement and probably haven’t…

From the Wall Street Journal:

1.  Do we really want to retire? And if so, when?
2.  What is our vision of retirement ?
3.  Do we share the same vision?
4.  Where do we want to retire?
5.  What assets do we have for retirement?
6.  Are they invested in the most beneficial ways to achieve our goals?
7.  How much money will we need to support our lifestyle in retirement?
8.  Do we have an estate plan – and where is it?
9.  What will our legacy be?
10.  How will each of us approach, and manage getting older?

Great Quotes - On wasting time

Time is more limited and precious than any other resource you possess, and yet it's the one you pay the least attention to and squander the most freely.

Steven Scott