Retirement is a process
Blogging Boomers Carnival #5

Job Application

Kenneth_way From the Village Vita newsletter 


(Apparently this is an actual job application that a 75-year-old man submitted to B&Q (a UK store selling home improvement products) in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny...)


NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy B*****d)


SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)


DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?


DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.


EDUCATION: Yes.


LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.


PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.


MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.


REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.


HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.


PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.


DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.


MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?


DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs?  Of what?


DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"


HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.


DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!


WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big boobs and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.


NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles


DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Oh yes, absolutely.

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