3 wishes...

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'  'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! he's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say


Dietary advice for stressed-out women

Stressed Out Many thanks to Graham Wendes for supplying the following, specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds during their day:

BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice wholemeal toast
1 cup skimmed milk

LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 biscuit (cookie)

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the biscuits (cookies) from the packet
1 tub of Sarah Lee ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 chocolate bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER :
'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'

Send this to four women and you will lose two kilograms
Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 10 kgs

IF you delete this message you will gain 10 kgs

Finally, here's some advice for you:

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.......

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of biscuits , the mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates..

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.


What's for dinner?

As seen on GMTV this morning...  Can't figure how what to make for dinner?  Look in the fridge, make a note of what's in there and then go to www.allrecipes.co.uk and type in your ingredients.

You'll get a whole list of recipes containing your ingredients.  (Although if you try searching on 'a dried up carrot and half a tube of tomato puree', I can't guarantee the results...)


Word-play

Thanks to Philip Humbert who, in turn, credits his friend, Paul Vogt for the following:

*** Those who jump off a bridge in Paris...are in Seine.
*** A backward poet writes...inverse.
*** A man's home is his castle... in a manor of speaking.
*** Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
*** Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
*** Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
*** A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 

*** Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
*** Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
*** Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
*** Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
*** When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
*** A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
*** He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

*** A plateau is a high form of flattery.
*** Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
*** Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
*** Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Dr Humbert is a Success Strategist, author and popular speaker.  To enquire about having him speak to your group or organization, orto schedule an initial consultation, contact him at:

Coach@philiphumbert.com

 

 


Julie Andrews and a revised version of 'My Favourite Things'

One of the first films I ever saw at the cinema (and still one of my favourites to this day) is The Sound of Music.  Many thanks to Nicola Cairncross and the Gratitude Rocks! group on Facebook for the following:

To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan‘s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was ‘My Favorite Things‘ from the legendary movie ‘Sound Of Music‘.  Here are the lyrics she used:

(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially good!!!

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,

When the knees go bad,

I simply remember my favorite things,

And then I don't feel so bad.

 

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin' ,

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin' ,

And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,

When we remember our favorite things.

 

When the joints ache, When the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I've had,

And then I don't feel so bad.

 

 

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)


Before and after...

Tartan_trousers Start your day with a smile by looking at these great 'young me' and 'now me' photos - it took me until almost halfway down the first page to realise what was going on - that they were recreating their old photos now that they're all grown up.  I love the fourth set where the guy uses the same chair and stool that appeared in his baby photo!

I've started you off at page two because some joker submitted the same 'before' photo six times on the first page, but if you have time, just turn back to page one and scroll down to the bottom to catch the three brothers with the tartan trousers - classic!